What do I get out of overeating, or eating the wrong stuff? In this article I'm reading, it talks about how we wouldn't do these destructive behaviors unless we got something positive out of them. Everything we do, as people, is essentially selfish and designed to make us feel good or improve my self.

Essentially, my weight is destroying my health, bit by bit. My sugars are whack, my self-esteem is in the toilet, my knees suck and now my feet are starting to hurt. I feel like people stare at me if my shirt even touching my bulgy tummy. But if I didn't get something out of all this.... I wouldn't do it.

And just writing this post made me want to run to the 7-11 down the block and get some candy. So maybe that's my first clue. I just wish I really understood and could articulate what that clue meant.

I know, on some level, I'm afraid of being successful, which is why I gave up writing. I know that I only like self-reflection that already fits my current knowledge of myself.

I know I like rebellion and comfort, and food is both. With my medical problems, food really is poison or cure. (Or, if not cure, at least part of it!). If I were told to take a pill, I'd take it. If I were told to add some veggies to my diet (and only that) I'd do it. But being told to take away things that bring me pleasure -- and occasionaly joy -- I can't do it.

I guess there's a bit right there. Why does junk food bring me pleasure and joy? Obviously, the taste factor. Junk food lights up the same addiction areas of the brain as heroin, so I guess addiction is part of it. The "bliss point" of food I eat is obvious -- that great mixture of sweet, salt, and fat deliberately designed to create a near-orgasmic state. Obviously junk food creates a kind of physical joy. But that's not enough, really.  There has to be emotional joy, also.

I know that food is relaxation and comfort to me. Food gives me an excuse to sit and just chill and read a good book. Food is a breather. Sometimes, hitting Panera for dinner is the only downtime I get in a day. And that's kinda sad. I tried bringing my knitting to work, trying to find a small window of time to use my new fave hobby to relax a little. But I'm so tired that knitting simply can't compete to brainless books and Pop-Tarts.

Okay, so food represents downtime and relaxation, both of which are sorely lacking in my life. Lacking so badly that, despite unraveling finances, J and I are considering getting me accupuncture and/or massage because my tenseness is getting to be a bad issue. I am so stressed and tense that I clench my muscles when I sleep, instead of relaxing them. I squeeze them up so tight that my entire body often hurts in the morning.  So, yeah, anything that even sniffs of downtime and relaxation is hard to give up.

Food has been my reward system. Have a bad week? Get some ice cream. Period cramps? Chocolate. Didn't get enough sleep? Well, sugar will get me through! And so forth. I've thought about other forms of comfort, but really can't think of anything. I don't have kids, so "quiet alone time" isn't that much of a draw when I can get it when I want anyway. My tub is too small for a nice bubble bath (which sucks because that would help with the relaxation/tense problem too!). We don't have the money for recreational shopping, not that I really want to anymore. I don't want to buy books, or shoes, or anything, really.

I like to knit -- LOVE to knit -- but I don't find it relaxing, really, I find it engaging and challenging and wonderful . . . but not relaxing at all. I don't find video games relaxing, I find them also challenging and funny, but high-adrenaline activities for me.

I'm really at a loss as to what to do. Yoga stresses me out because I can't get the poses right on my own. Pilates is high exercise to me. Walking can work, but only sometimes.

If I'm supposed to take a bad behavior -- eating food I shouldn't/eating when I'm not hungry -- and replace it with a good one, how can I if I can't find a good one?

My parents are hard workers. It doesn't surprise me that I developed a pretty decent work ethic -- what no one could have expected, I suppose, was the twisted, distorted way it affects my life. I can't call out sick without being wracked with guilt -- unless, say, I have a horrible temperature or illness. Being sick involves active problems: coughing, vomiting, pain, etc. It involves being flushed, or pale, or visibly ill. I always feel like an absolute fraud when I tell someone I don't feel well, because I always LOOK bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. If I look well, then I AM well.

I constantly forget -- or will myself to forget -- that I am sick every day of my life. I'm still learning what that means. While I was trolling the Internet last night, I found this interesting site: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com. It's a site by and for people with "invisible illnesses" -- for me, that's my diabetes (now plus a hiatal hernia and lactose intolerance). For many on the site, it's about fibromyalgia, or lupus, or anything that makes someone feel shitty inside but look perfectly fine outside.

The woman who runs the site wrote an essay about the Spoon Theory. I really recommend everyone read it, because I know several people on my f-list with issues, and pretty much everyone knows someone with a condition, whether they know it or not.

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

In short, the spoon theory discusses the difference between someone who is sick, and someone who is healthy. Healthy people do things without thinking about it -- sick people don't have that luxury. Sick people only have so many "spoons" -- or units of energy, I suppose -- and have to spend them carefully. Every day is a decision about what can get done, and what can't. You can "borrow" spoons against tomorrow, but that makes tomorrow even harder. It's a life of details -- for me, that means knowing my sugar constantly, knowing what foods I can eat at different times of day, testing constantly, adjusting the settings on my pump, remembering to give myself insulin, being on top of how I feel EVERY SECOND because any deviation can mean a dangerously high or low blood sugar.

It means a life of vigilance.

And I'm fucking sick of it.

And I'm tired.

So I won't find out the results of my endoscopy until September 3 (my gastro doc only works Thursdays, and I'm on the other side of the country on vacation until Friday ). In a weird way, I've actually been hoping that I have celiac, because then there's a really solid (if restrictive) way to fix what's wrong with my stomach. In fact, there's a possiblity that going GF could fix my "random" symptoms, also -- constant exhaustion, muscle weakness, joint pain, migraines, etc. One book I read quoted it well -- the author said she was alwats "half sick" but never enough to go to the doctor. That's how I feel all the time -- like I'm not really sick, but I'm certainly not well.

I've also been reading that gluten intolerance can cause the exact same symptoms, but not leave enough of a trace to be officially diagnosed. So, if I'm diagnosed, I'm GF forever. If I'm not diagnosed, I'll be doing GF for the month of September and then reevaluating how I feel. If I still feel like ****, then I'll go back to non-restrictive (well, as non-restrictive as diabetes makes it!) eating.

I've already got one recipe book, and we've tried one recipe and liked it. I'm hoping that's a good sign

So last night, while I was bowling with friends, I got a "low battery" warning on my pump. No biggie, really, I still get 2-3 days of use out of the pump before it dies, but I usually try to change it immediately when that happens. Being, you know, out with friends made that impossible. By the time I got home, I had forgotten.

Had more fun with friends at home. Went to bed with a sugar of 131 around midnight. Woke up this morning and went to check the time. I have no clock I can see from the bed, and I hadn't brought my cell phone in with me, so I got my pump and pressed the "light" button so I could read the time. Nothing. Put the pump as close to my eyes as I could, and saw nothing still -- no numbers, no symbols, nada. Dead battery. God knows how long I've been without insulin.

First order of business: change battery. Thankfully, all my settings (basals, ratios, etc) are still intact. Then I test my sugar -- 176. Not bad. Definately not as bad as it COULD have been. I was expecting to be over 300. Take bolus.

Lesson learned. Change battery as soon as the message pops up.

I can finally breathe again and I'm ready to continue the exercise program I started last week. While I was sick (and surfing the Internet) I found the idea of SMART goals -- goals should be Specific, Measureable, Achievable, Relevant, Timely. So I've been trying to picture my health goals along that line -- and I realized that they failed almost every single criteria. My goals are VERY vague -- "lose weight", "get healthy", "lower blood sugars", etc. And when I DO make them specific, I make them WAY too grandiose. "Lose 60 pounds" "do 100 push ups" etc with NO middle plan of mini-goals or how I'm going to get there!

So I decided to sit back, drink lots of fluids, cough out bits of my lungs, and rethink. I can still have an end-goal of "lose 60 pounds" but maybe I should have some smaller goals in there. Some little things to celebrate -- some smaller goal with smaller steps that I can be proud of quickly. Magazines always talk about "the first 10%" but for me that was 20 pounds, which still seems far away. So I decided to make ALL my weight goals 5% of my body weight. 10% of 202 is approx 10 pounds -- which would put me at 192. 5% of 192 is 9.6 pounds... etc. My whole goal system looks like this:

Start - 202 (as of 4/26/09)
Goal 1 - 192 (10/10lbs) (5/31)
Goal 2 - 182.4 (9.6/19.6) (7/5)
Goal 3 - 173.4 (9/28.6) (8/9)
Goal 4 - 164.8 (8.6/37.2) (9/13)
Goal 5 - 156.6 (8.2/45.4) (10/18)
Goal 6 - 148.8 (7.8/53.2) (11/22)
Goal 7 - 141.4 (7.4/60.8) (12/27)

I'm 5'7" and kinda Amazonian, so I don't really want to go below 141. In fact, I have no clue what my final goal truly is, which is why I never really got there. I was 168 last year, and a size 8, and was pertty happy -- so 141 may be way too low. But having mini-goals allows me to reassess quite often. It calms me to have this mapped out, but the only thing I want to focus on is my first goal -- 192 pounds by May 31. I'm going to develop other goals -- bike 100 miles in a week, do a whole yoga video without pausing, etc, but for now I want to focus on little, concrete steps.

Specific -- 5%, 10 pounds. I think that's specific :)
Measurable -- very much so, set in numbers.
Achievable -- I gave myself 5 weeks to lose 10 pounds... a little tight, but doable, especially since weight tends to drop off me quickly in the beginning.
Relevant -- Even a 5% loss can lower my insulin resistance and thus my insulin needs. If my insulin needs drop, it becomes easier to lose weight. Not to mention stabilizing my numbers so I don't die young. Let's not even talk about dress sizes and my CA trip in August :)
Timeliness -- close enough to keep me motivated, far enough away that I can plan and even screw up a little.

Steps I will take:
- Completing 40 miles a week for the Tools To Keep You Active site -- by biking, blading, walking, DDRing, whatever, so long as I get some mileage in.
- Keeping my carb intake under 50g/day (and keeping those carbs consisting of veggies, wild rice, etc. Few if any processed carbs!).

For my first goal, that's what I want to focus on. For my second goal, I'll be adding yoga/pilates/weight training as well. I may do some of that now, but it's not counting as my goals.

So, yeah. Today was a REALLY horrible food day.

To start, I had to go to the doctor for tests today. I've been having Ear Problems -- lots of messed-up pressure in my ear, the kind where I hear myself and have to sniffle back very hard to restore equilibrium -- and then that is lost the second I swallow. I've also been having bouts of dizziness. I managed to make a 9am appointment (getting coverage for my 3rd period class and 4th period duty wasn't that hard) and was told NOT to eat a large breakfast. These tests were for my dizziness, so I figured they were going to INDUCE dizziness for whatever reason doctors induce symptoms. (For anyone who cares, I am almost always dizzy first thing in the morning, often in the early afternoon, and often at intermittent times in the day. Not enough to really mess with my life, but enough that I notice and worry, especially since my mom went suddenly part deaf after a long bout of dizzy spells.)

Anyway, to get back on topic, I skipped breakfast, since I normally eat at 8:30 anyway. The testing didn't make me lastingly dizzy, although it did make me horribly nauseous for a time. I had enough time to hit Panera and pick up a to-go chicken salad and make it back to my 5th period class. I ate half the salad for lunch, was full, and put the rest back. I ate half the bread, too. At rehearsal, I had a baby-sized slim jim.

Then, around 5, I hit a bout of horrible depression. I get these mini-depressions from time to time -- I am practically catatonic with sadness for several hours, and I mean that literally. I don't want to eat, I don't want to exercise (what I planned to do with my afternoon). I don't want to watch TV, knit, read, surf the web. Given the choice, I will usually stare at the wall, maybe cry a bit, until I shake myself to the point where I MAKE myself go do something. It doesn't help the depression, much, but there's only so long you can stare at the wall. This depression will last a few hours, or until I go to bed. Today, I picked back up a little bit after dinner.

And I realized WHY I got depressed -- I'd been up for 12 hours, and had eaten a whopping 300 calories!

So I indulged in one of my favorite old-time comfort foods -- pasta with nothing but butter and salt. Yes, yes, low carb diet -- I had Dreamfields, which is a type of pasta that claims that each serving has only 5g of "active" carbs -- not sure if that's really effective for low-carb, but it's REALLY effective for my sugar -- my sugar actually went DOWN a few hours after eating, instead of skyrocketing!

A few hours after that, I flipped out. It's the only way to describe it. I walked to 7-11 and bought (and ate) an entire mini-bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I'm not really angry at myself; I've just realized what it's going to take to keep me on a low-carb diet.... actually eating!

Even after the pasta, I'd had only 900 calories -- 1/3 of what I should be eating, even for weightloss! (Even the guys at Ballys Gym told me to eat around 2100 cals/day, since I burn 2400 just by breathing)

So. Lesson learned. EAT. Eat breakfast. Eat lunch. Eat a "theatre time" snack. Eat dinner. Maybe have a slice of cheese here or there as hunger dictates. I cannot let myself get hungry. Of course, due to the mini-depression, I didn't even FEEL the hunger -- I knew my tummy was growling, but the idea of food made me feel sick.

As for the rest, my sugar is a little high, but not alarmingly so. It's all good :)

Edited to add: Even WITH the Reeses, I only hit 1600 cals for the day. Acceptable.

So I've made the decision to go very low-carb. I've been doing a LOT of reading lately, from all sides I can find, and it seems like the best way to go.The evidence that low-carb is good for you is mounting, and the evidence that low-fat/high-carb is good for you is severely lacking. I've ordered a book by Gary Taubes that is supposed to be an all-science book about the human body -- the kind of book I've been looking for -- specifically designed to discuss the endocrine system. How fat is made, what causes it, and what, exactly, our bodies do with specific types of food. This book has a 70 page bibliography :P

I've been reading on diabetic forums since Day 1 that low-carb is the best for diabetics. In the beginning, the only thing I understood was that eating low carb means less insulin use. As I read more, I started understanding the logic: Everything -- blood sugar monitors AND food labels -- are allowed to be off by up to 20%.  Now, let's say that I eat something that has 60 grams of carbs. I take 10 units of insulin for it, since my insulin to carb ratio is 1:6. Technically, that food I eat can contain anything from 48 to 72 grams of carbs. If it's 48, then I took 2.2 units of insulin too much.... that's enough to drop me an extra 20-40 points, enough to push me into a sugar low, which is dangerous. If it's 72, I took too little and my sugar will wind up high -- enough highs, and I develope all those nasty complications diabetics worry about.

Now, let's say that I try to eat 20g or less for each meal. Technically, that 20g can be anything from, well, 16 to 24 carbs. Now, for that 20g, it's only 3.3 units of insulin in my pump. Even if I'm off, and it's 16, I only overshoot by .7 units of insulin, which is an extra 10-15 points down -- not really enough to affect me, maybe enough to make me need one 4g sugar tablet.

Dr. Bernstein calls this "The Rule of Small Numbers" -- the fewer carbs you eat, the less insulin you take, and the fewer chances for you to fuck up.

Then, I REALLY started listening to the forum.

I listened to how insulin converts carbs to fat. I listened to how high levels of insulin causes all sorts of poblems. I listened to how it is high levels of insulin,not diabetes itself, that causes the cardiovascular problems found in diabetics. I listened to the stories of people on the boards sounding like infomercials -- losing weight effortlessly, losing carb cravings, lowering their insulin intake, lowering their a1cs, and, oddly enough, lowering their triglycerides, cholesterol, blood pressure, and several other problems.

After all I've read, I will be damned if I allow myself to be controlled by a food my body is not designed (or, from a kinder perspective, no longer equipped to handle). Will I occassionally lose my mind and have some sugar? Probably -- but the days of pasta, bread, and candy are OVER.

From what I've been reading, it is ONLY carbs (sugar) that can be made into body fat, because it is insulin that does the converting, and insulin only interacts with blood sugar. And it is carbs that raise the blood sugar -- that evil evil blood sugar. It is, therefore, carbs that are at the root of every diabetic complication that I'm afraid of, since it is yeas of being clogged with sugar that causes the organ failure, and the foot ulcers.

The only info I can't seem to find is that, although insulin only works on blood sugar, what happens to excess protien and fat? If all I'm going to be eating (for the most part) is those two, I don't know if the excess calories will do real damage or not. Some souces say no, some say yes. I guess I'll have to swing this :) At least until I can find more info.

FYI, for anyone interested, the best article I found (if you have half an hour) is here: http://www.motherearthnews.com/Natural-Health/2008-10-01/Dietary-Fat-Health-Weight.aspx

So our finances have exploded recently. December and August catch us short all the time.  I'm 28 years old and for the first time in YEARS I thought about turning to my parents or Jay's, just for enough money to get groceries without having to use the credit cards.  Jay's mom, however, is deep in the middle of a severe anxiety disorder -- she's been to the hospital twice in the last two weeks for panic attacks and, since money and her children are her two biggest triggers, admitting to them that we're sinking would set her off.

And my parents.... My parents are the most easy-going people in the world. They're always trying to help in little ways -- picking up an extra huge thing of paper towels at Sam's Club, insisting we take home food or extra stuff they have. And, in the past, when J and I really were stuck, they would give us a few hundred if we needed it.

Unfortunately, my parents are now in a worse situation than we are. My mom isn't well enough to work full-time and their debt, including the mortgage, is extreme. They've been cutting back in a lot of big ways... cutting groceries, no more eating out, etc. But now they've started  cutting the things that really bring them happiness -- namely, the cable and mom's bi-monthly nail appointment. We've had cable, even the movie channels, during most of our lives, even during the 80's recession when dad was working retail and I wore hand-me-downs. Dad's a night owl and Mom goes to bed early, so he spends a LOT of time in front of the TV at 2am. It's one of the joys of his life, and it makes me sad that my parents, who should be thinking about retirement, are drowning.

We spent a little bit of time today all discussing this.... and on the way out, Dad gave me a $20 bill so I could pay the co-pay on my doctor's visit because I had left my credit cards at home and couldn't afford it otherwise :(

Thankfully, my antibiotics only cost $5, but I felt so.... sad. I'm not really humiliated, despite my tag line, because nothing in my relationship with my parents could make me feel that way, but the fact that we're both low, and I'm so desperately broke  that I accepted money from my even worse-off parents. I know it was for a doctor visit, and that it probably made them feel good to be able to help me, even a little, but still.....

(PS -- the main reason I say my parents are worse off is because they have SO much more to lose. The house, for one thing, and their ability to retire anytime in the future. To be honest, the worst that could happen to me and J is we have to go back and live with his parents.)

You know, I skimmed over my goals again today, and realized that #10, the one I just threw in there to have a round number, should have been #1 -- for month and year. Why is treating myself with respect an afterthought? These past two weeks I've done absolutely nothing of value. And while I was exhausted after dealing with directing the play, regular work, and three grad classes, I think I gave myself an extreme disservice. The work I had to do is still there and is going to make starting my routine a bit sticky. So, by thinking I was giving myself what I needed at the moment, I forgot what I was going to need in the future.

I wouldn't dream of treating anyone else the way I sometimes treat myself. I wouldn't utter to a soul the horrible things I say about myself (mostly about my weight). I'm no saint; I am capable of saying some nasty things about other people, but rarely more than once. But I say horrible things about myself daily. How is that respecting myself?

I ate a shit ton of candy over these two weeks. Bad enough for a "normal" person, but for a diabetic? If I were watching someone else with a known condition willingly indulging in something that would hurt them, I wouldn't think highly of their self-respect. Should I have a treat occasionally? Of course! But a treat should be all-around. Going out to dinner with my husband and having half a slice of pie (since I know Jay would eat the other half :)). A single scoop of ice cream. I think that's finding a good balance between treating my body with respect and treating my soul and desires with respect.

I read once (and I've wrote about before) the idea of treating your body the way you would treat a small child; a toddler perhaps. Would you tell a toddler, over and over, that they were fat? Would you feed a toddler two bags of candy? Would you starve a child? Would you make a child exercise until s/he nearly passed out? Deny that child every single thing they wanted in favor of having a beautiful figure? Treating the body with respect is acknowledging that the body is what you make it. It's knowing that every single choice you make has an impact on your physical body. It's knowing that moderation, above all else, is respect for your body. Enough -- not too much, not too little. Enough sleep, enough food, enough physical activity....

For me, I think that "enough" is, to begin, about food. I eat too much, and too often. The idea of "meals" is kind of a new one to me. When I was growing up, both of my parents worked a lot. I tended to graze on whatever was around until "dinner", which was whatever we had in the house eaten in front of the TV whenever we got around to eating it. Both of my parents were always anti-exercise -- my mom vehemently, my dad because he was always too busy.

With trying to save money, J and I are working on not buying food we don't intend to eat. We have this horrible habit of buying things like fresh meat and fruit and then being too lazy to eat it. Now, we live within walking distance of 3 big food stores, and a quick drive from 2 others. So, Friday mornings when the new circulars come out, I'm going to spend half an hour perusing them online. All 5 stores have this great option where you can browse a circular and add items to a virtual list, then print it up. Bingo! We're going to pick the 2-3 stores that have the most important or discounted stuff and do our weekly shopping that way. Our menus will be created Friday night based on what the circulars have for us. And I need to learn about things like "lunch" and "dinner" and "a snack".

The time of binging is nigh. Eating until I feel sick has to stop. If I weren't diabetic, I'd work on trusting my body, but my body thus far has betrayed me utterly. So I need to work on understanding what actual hunger is, and how to respond to it responsibly. And THAT, ladies and gents, is my real full goal for January.